You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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