it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
