There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
