I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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