We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
