did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
