Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
