Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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