never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
