ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
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