Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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