I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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