the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
