Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
