so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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