If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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