she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
