It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
