Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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