There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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