Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
