3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
