Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
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