if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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