She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
