I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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