i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
