The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
