I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
