my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
