I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
