my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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