i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i barfeds in our rink
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
