I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
