she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
