Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
