why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
