dude i'm inner monologue high
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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