not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
