There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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