So drunk its hurt
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
