He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
