I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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