I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize