Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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