just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
