there's paper in my vomit.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Randomize
