Where are you?
In a non slutty way
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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