I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
