I'm sorry my penis didn't work
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
