We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
