Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
