what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
