My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
