just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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