god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
farters have to be the big spoon...
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
