i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
