She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
