WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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