p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
