I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Who died my cat blue again?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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