Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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