Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
