why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
